Curse!

I suffer from an entity called Borderline Personality disorder(BPD). People with BPD suffer from enormous amount of pain which has been described akin to a third degree burn, and emotions feel like catastrophic madness with heavy upheavals and uncertainties. I am often numbed by the pain, even my numbness isn't the lack of emotions, its an another form of pain. I am often stormed by the sea of emotions and drowned within it. Hard Gasps of air lead me nowhere, as I struggle to keep myself afloat. I swim and swim, in search of a shore where I can keep my head above from being smothered. But all I can say that I have never reached the shore. I am never living, I am always surviving. I am not feeling things, I am numbed by the pain. I remember saying to someone, that I have been born with a curse. This curse has no fix, and it shall live with me, as long as I do. 

My highs are the highest, my lows are lowest. I have been the most unhinged guy to the most discreet person. I have been the happiest, I have been the saddest. I would weep from within when I would listen to songs, I would appreciate movies better than others. I would read aloud poems and decipher the most primeval emotions that no one could ever. I felt like I was born with superpowers, and I would feel the high again, now to realise the fluctuations are nothing but pathological. My life has been a total lie, I wish I wasn't even diagnosed.

This painting by Edward Much best approximates the pain which I would feel, its eerily accurate.

I want to be a happy person, I don't know the last time when I was happy, because it has affected me so much. I have to tried to self harm numerous times, it has affected me, my family, my social life and everyone around me. Self harm, refers not just physical harm, but also encompasses a range of self destructive actions that threaten your own social and mental well being.

Pardon if all of this, all my words, all my expressions amounts to self pity and self victimisation. One of the key problems that features that prevents mental health problems from being tangible to the neurotypical people is that any features of mental conditions aren't under our control. We aren't sad, because we want to be sad. We aren't laying in our bed, because we are lazy. We don't have a clicky toggle switch that we can non-challantly turn off whenever we want. Our actions are simply not things that one are trained to control it reasonably. People dont do the bad things simply because one is born evil innately. While this idea while seems cathartic at first, is albeit very dangerous as it justifies criminals, murderers and the evil. Hence, very few ones would even allow a figment of this thought.

I shall never be happy. Happiness is a state of satisfaction. Your results have met your expectations, and you are now enough comfortable in seeing yourself. You feel you shall be rewarded for your outcomes, and you feel a personal connect with the efforts you have put in. I can never achieve that, for my expectations are immeasurable and my longings unfathomable. I will never consider myself worthy of being liked. I will never reach the shore. I shall keep drowning. I want the world to know what I go through everyday. Be residually nice to everyone by default.